Shrooms: its intense

Yesterday I had pretty much the most intense experience in my entire life. I ate some shroom powder with a bunch of my close friends. I had an incredible experience despite being basically overwhelmed. Its really hard to express so I'll do my best to highlight some of the things I remember and noticed. The first thing I'll talk about I suppose is the fact that time was an abstract meaningless construct. I didn't notice time going on at all but rather noticed that when you checked time its value changed. The other thing was that you only thought about time when you re-engeaged with it. So pretty much something you take for granted seemed to not exist. Time is one of the main things that you actually have the feeling of "experiencing" regularly but when I was tripping it was the absence of where time was that made the experience very disorienting.

In the intensest part of my trip I basically started to fell like a completely different entity then my sober self. I also viewed everything differently. The combination of both of these things made my tripping self pretty much become more and more uneasy. I felt myself incrementally become more and more anxious slipping into this maddening feeling of endless confusion.The visuals made it hard to understand things a bit but it was really the thought behind everything that destroyed me. The only way to really describe what the trip made me experience is to explain that I felt that me and my friends were not actually humans at all. We were much more like these little helpless computer programs stuck in "existence". The only way we survived was by staying together and withering the storm of endless loops. It wasn't like my friends were really experiencing the same thing as me at all. It was kind of like we were all in this rift and we would occasionally meet up in the center for a bit, consoling each other that it would be over eventually. Enslaved and trapped in existence.

 Eventually after my mind looped through this process a bunch of times and I finally came to the conclusion that I would rather sleep then continue tripping. I kept coming back to this conclusion. It was like I was in this trance/loop of de-ja vu. Like a while loop thats waiting for something to end the loop. I honestly felt like a computer processor or something. Struggling to answer a question and eventually having my entire brain and rational deconstruct or break upon itself. I felt like a computer that noticed an error in my reality I was in but couldn't actually change anything in it. It was like when a program has an infinite loop in it and realizes its only saving grace is to try and abort, self-destruct, or restart everything. An imperfect and limited consciousness, I felt that I had discovered the limit of my brain, memory, and comprehension and that I really didn't like it. Finding your limits terrifying. I felt the void where the unexplainable was more intense then before. That I was far less free then I thought I was.

I remember thinking about how....how do people learn things. How do we recall things. What makes us different from animals, or computers, or anything. We are programmed a certain way. We can learn...but what is it? How is it even working. How are we able to actually come to conclusions and why. When we make a decision why and how do we make it. Are all the options we have actually predetermined? Are we intelligent? I don't know really anymore. I never really "knew".

It seemed rather deterministic in nature emphasizing the vastly powerful, complex and dynamic world that I and my fellow humans had somehow came to be able to traverse in our own weak and infinitely fragile way. I felt like an artificial intelligence struggling with identity and unable to really reconcile it. Incredibly powerful, scary, and new. The best way to describe it was that I suddenly became part of this system (whatever it was, reality) and that I walked to the edge of everything and realized there isn't something after it. This felt very much like being a program that was either running or terminated. Awareness of what not really knowing anything felt like. I realized I was trapped in this system but that I understood nothing outside the system at all.

I realized that I use my brain everyday to "understand" things but that I don't even know how its working itself. When I eventually started to come back down out of my trip I felt the illusion of time and comprehension start to come back but I knew, that it wasn't for real. Its become even more relevant to me now that humans sustain thoughts and data somehow through time. Even though time doesn't really exist. Is intelligence really just a very elaborate database that sustains references to many different things all at once?