Making Anxiety My Bitch!

I've been exploring my emotional palette. Awhile ago I was interested in feeling intense fear. When I finally got my wish it was so intense and self-consuming that I actually forgot completely that I had ever wanted to be in this place. Thats part of the way fear works its magic, it simply strips a person of many of their rational tools. I can say now that I have a perspective on panic attacks and intense fear. It was so gripping its taken me quite some time to recover from it. Anxiety is a little like an itch in your brain that doesn't stop until you forget about it. That said thinking about running away from it only makes it stronger and since you can't escape your own thoughts good luck getting away, IDIOT! Probably the best way to actually get rid of anxiety is to do and think about the things that make you anxious. Its totally counterintuitive. The only escape from fear is facing it and coming to terms with it. What you realize from facing your fears is that they are completely irrational. Let me now tell you why panic and anxiety are things that shouldn't be feared. Panic and anxiety are what make you braver. You can't actually practice bravery without first experiencing fear itself. Your relationship to fear itself, an entity separate from reality, is a lot like any art form. It has subtleties and interesting qualities that you can't and won't understand until exploring and experiencing it. Potentially one of the scariest things for myself are suicidal thoughts, mental disorders like schizophrenia or going insane. I'm afraid of being trapped and powerless. Panic attacks are the places where this fear is realized the most. They are my only chance of really preparing myself for the absolute worse and surviving it. In a way they are the ultimate challenge and I respect all who have traversed them. One day I will traverse one free.

Winter Break Update

Hi guys. I haven't posted on here in a long time. I didn't accomplish a lot of what I hoped to over the break but I've still been learning a lot. I didn't finish my reading list and I haven't coded any video games. To be honest I got swept up in meeting with relatives for a large part of the break and that sort of killed my momentum. I was also planning on writing some music and sci-fi short stories. I have been writing a bunch of songs but I haven't finished any of them and I'm trying to stockpile songs to make a pseudo album type thing, I only finished one short story but I plan on posting it up here soon. So this break was a lot different then what I expected but I think I've learned a lot from it in its own sort of way.